Category Archives: Humor

MASLOW’S NEED FOR CLASSIFICATION


Image from Sandra Schou
(There’s a face in here somewhere)

 

MASLOW’S NEED FOR CLASSIFICATION

As a  research aide for Doctoral candidates I got caught up for a time  in the sixties with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs which was in those early days a fairly new idea.

As an aide, my commitment was to the scholar I served and my guy at the time said “More Maslow”.

As a researcher with an eye to my own future I had a vision of helping would-be patients and troubled subjects to heal themselves. Maslow’s hierarchical bent apparently had little value to anyone but professional theorists and made self-help candidates dependent on the professional.

I need more time to write about this so by Monday, I expect to make some better.

If a reader has something to contribute, I’m interested.

 

THE AMBULANCE DRIVER

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Lovey (Dixie)   Age twenty.

 

THE AMBULANCE DRIVER

 

My father was a well-respected man.

My father was a devout Baptist.

My father was the only Baptist in a  very large family.

My father died in 1976. By that time I was pretty sure that he was a Taoist, perhaps even a Buddhist but certainly not a Baptist.

Mother called my father Lovey and so did I.

Lovey called Mother Oodles and so did I.

Lovey did not insist that I follow in his footsteps; he encouraged me to ask questions (of myself) and to seek answers.

LEE:  Lovey, Oodles told me about Aristotle; who was Aristotle?

LOVEY: Look up Aristotle in The World Book, Lee.

Later…

LEE: I found a book on Aristotle at the library and I checked it out. I read the introduction and discovered that Aristotle had some very different ideas. What if Aristotle was wrong about everything, Lovey?

Should I read this book; whaddaya think?

LOVEY: Son, I think you should assume that everything in that book is wrong.

LEE: Okay Lovey, I’ll return it to the library tomorrow.

LOVEY: No, no Son, let me finish; I think you should first assume that this book is wrong and then I think you should read it. If you are going to judge a book with new information and you judge it to be good without ever having read it, then what is the sense of reading it.

By judging this book or any book with new ideas to be a  bookful of mistakes, then every line in that book will mean something to you. You won’t ever again need to ask your parents, your teacher, your friends or even your enemies if a book with new ideas is good or bad or some of each.

You may even be able to write your own books.

Would you like to be an author sharing fresh ideas?

LEE: Gee, Lovey; you’re the smartest father in the whole world.

Lovey only made it through the second grade. When his father Dr Broom died, Lovey who was Horace Dixie Broom, managed the family farm until World War One.

Dixie was fourteen by then and knew as much about medicine as any of the front-line medics. His new job in the Ambulance Corps had him picking up injured soldiers and with the help of others in the trenches got his passengers into a Mule Team Covered Wagon  and return them to the medical tents. He often had to patch up his passengers before bringing them aboard.

Lovey was not a blood relation, by the way.

Lovey  and Oodles, my Great-Aunt Marie adopted me in 1943. I was four years old. Oodles taught me to read in 1943. These new parents of mine bought me lots of books…

All of those books were wrong.

 

HAIRCUTS AND DIETS: THE THEORY OF LOSING BY WINNING

lee_broom
LEE BROOM 

 

HAIRCUTS AND DIETS: THE THEORY OF LOSING BY WINNING

 
HAIRCUTS

Barber: how much do you want me to take off?

Barbee: Just leave 1 ½ inches all over.

Barber: Okay but how much do you want to cut off?

Barbee: How long is it now?

Barber: (measures hair.) 4 inches here and 3 inches over here and 1 ½ over here, around the ears.

Barbee: Okay so remove 2 ½ inches here, 1 ½ inches over here and don’t cut around the ears.

Barber: That’s too difficult, how long do you want it to be?

Barbee:  Just leave 1 ½ inches all over.

Barber: That’s better; you shoulda said so in the beginning.


DIETS

Dieter: I weigh 200 lbs. I am 5’10” and I want to get to down to 160 lbs.

Nutritionist: You are consuming 2000 calories daily. I want you to start eating 1500 calories daily.

Dieter: At 3500 calories a pound it’ll take me 40 weeks to lose the fat.

Nutritionist: Actually, if all you do is diet, much of the weight loss will be muscle.

Dieter: I want to lose weight and I want to do it in half the time. And I don’t want to lose any muscle.

Nutritionist: Great, so let’s add a five-mile jog every morning; that should do it.

Dieter: This is getting too hard. I can’t do what you ask.

Nutritionist: Have you ever successfully reached your desired weight and kept it off for more than a month?

Dieter: No.

Nutritionist:  Okay, I have a better method. Do the 1500 calorie diet and jog for fifteen minutes, four times a week. How does that sound?

Dieter: Great. How long is this for?

Nutritionist: The rest of your life. The 1500 calories is what you should have been eating all along for someone your height and level of activity. You’ve been trying to win by losing. Commit for life and you will become successful.  By the way, I can recommend a really great barber. You have very long hair, you could lose a pound with a good haircut; Just tell him to cut everything down to 1 ½ inches.

THE OREO ATTACK

lee_broom

My method of controlling my addiction to sugar focuses primarily on the embossed, round  chocolate sandwich with the sweet white filling.

The Oreo attack seldom occurs at Circle K because I rarely go there.

I rarely go there because I know I’ll have an Oreo attack.

This beastly side of my nature makes itself known most often at Fry’s or Safeway (owned by Albertson’s which is owned in turn by Cerberus Capital Management which is named after the three-headed dog of Hades.)

My response is nearly always the same.

I buy the large family size Oreo package for five bucks and try to get home with my prize before opening.  If I raid the bag of goodies on the bus-ride home I risk the danger of incurring the wrath of a diabetic driver  angrily spouting the no-eating-on-the-bus rule and who weighs at least three hundred pound and may kill me for my Oreos if I fail to  obey.

On my arrival at the Lee Broom Kitchen I quickly count out five Oreos and open the Oreo hole on the garbage disposal which I call The Cookie Monster, abruptly  grabbing another five Oreos, then dumping the rest of the package.

I then open the faucet and flick the Oreo destruction switch and listen to the gurgling “thank you” from The Cookie Monster’s throat as the bulk of my prize flows into the kitchen’s intestines.

If you are wondering why I call this apparatus installed in my sink the Cookie Monster, nothing else has ever gone down that drain; I am a great vegan cook who eats every morsel of his five meals a day and who usually manages quite well, thank you, with one teaspoon of brown sugar on his morning oatmeal.

If you read about my Valentine cookies on Facebook four days ago, that particular day ended with an Oreo attack.

When I arrived at Circle K that evening the clerk greeted me with a smile. If you need your Oreos I keep a package for you here at the counter. How many bus tickets do you need?

Who, Not What (by Zippety Zot) Repost from Amo Apr 27 2012

 

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The WHAT of life is found ‘neath the neck.

The WHO resides in the head.

What I want to know by zippety-zot

Is Who is this in my bed?

The body’s familiar, it has two legs.

But who’s at the other end?

A woman it seems, she’s not a horse.

So what path down was I led?

This must be a dream, of course that is so.

Another one’s coming and

Off I shall go

I’m going

I’m going

I’m gone.

Goodnight.